Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
You Might Also Like
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”