Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
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My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Smile they said.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Life with a cat in one tweet
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*