Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
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I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I know
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
wtf is an acronym
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages