I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
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Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.