My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
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My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!