wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
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Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.