Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
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Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you