Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
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one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
What my back needs
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means