“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
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[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I feel seen.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’