Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.