when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
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2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
What if all the cashiers are married?
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.