My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
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my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.