I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
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god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges