My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
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interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Mood.. 😂
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)