Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
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Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.