My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
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I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.