New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
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If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Erm I’m gonna say no
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there