Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
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I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.