if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
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Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones