I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
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My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”