[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
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*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
when dads have a rap battle
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
the last thing a carrot sees
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation