Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.