smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
You Might Also Like
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that