[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
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If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.