My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
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Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.