One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.