The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
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*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
A leaf blower, but for people.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.