Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
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[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos