ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
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If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”