“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.