Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
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Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
constantly working on myself.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)