Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
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Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
True statement👍😏😁
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple