me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom