FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
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“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.