The Onion called it…again.
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Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.