I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
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*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house