If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you