Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
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I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
do what now??
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
*pokes sex life with a stick
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Me trying to walk in a dream
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.