Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
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moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
🤣dope
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum