british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
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Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
lmao
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.