*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
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Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
This classic never gets old . . .
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down