Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
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Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.