when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 馃槨
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Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 馃槶
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn鈥檛 know either.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I鈥檓 Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
me: i鈥檓 going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[consoling a friend after a failure] It鈥檚 okay, you can鈥檛 get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you鈥檙e funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don鈥檛 count