*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
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My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?