*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
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start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??