Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
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When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers