Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
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If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person