Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
You Might Also Like
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying