Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
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SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-