Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
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[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.